Weirdly, telling people and writing about it is helping me feel better already. The moment it happened, my heart pounded frenziedly, the word 'NO' resounded in my head and I couldn't take it in. Even when I went to bed (at half past 7 in the evening) and kept waking up, I had to keep thinking about it because I knew if I slept through to morning I'd wake up and for a few fuzzy, blissful seconds forget what had passed some hours previously.

I'm gutted, I really am. I did, truly, love him. And he knew that and his feelings weren't reciprocated in the same way (much to my obliviousness; and I'm generally pretty intuitive) but when someone treats you as well as he treated me, with such kindness and more affection than I've ever been shown by anyone else, it's utterly perplexing to be told that they just don't feel the same.

I've got rid of him on Facebook, deleted all his messages and his phone number. That's it for me. Nothing coming even remotely close to a friendship could come out of this as I'm just too hurt. I also didn't like the way he did it - he came round yesterday after I'd finished work, said what he had to say, gave me a bag of my stuff that I'd left round his and as I started crying said, 'I have to leave,' and left me.

Relationships are bloody bad for your health. Amazingly, Raymond managed to get an actual human laugh out of me this morning, but being fully healed is so very, very far away.

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