If I only knew back then
2011-01-27 | 8:18 p.m.

I've just got back from going for coffee with New Clerk, which was his way of a 'peace offering' after I had a mini-meltdown last night through the medium of Facebook chat, which led to the airing of several of the old bottled up feelings that have been building up over the past few weeks. During this time I've gone through stages of feeling tension in court with him and sensed a change in his attitude, not for the better. We hadn't met outside of work since the second time he stayed over and things, if anything, seemed to be going backwards as even the playful joking that resulted in us becoming friends in the first place was notably absent.

I don't need an I Told You So and I'm sure I'll make many more mistakes in the future but I feel about a thousand times better for having removed a number of burdensome grievances from atop my chest. He didn't take advantage of me - I let it happen to myself and this resulted in my head getting fucked up briefly, which may partially explain my absence here, the other reason being my immense workload which has seen me remaining in the office til beyond 8 pm three days this week.

Anyway, he's sorry I felt like that and never wanted me to be hurt. From his point of view it's difficult having to behave impeccably in court, he's constantly knackered from working two jobs and can't visualise getting into anything serious when he's leaving soon to go galavanting round the planet. In retrospect I was unhelpful the first time we got together as it was then that I announced, 'Since you're leaving we can have a fling!' Grave error. I have made it clear we're friends/colleagues and that's it.

Coffee today seemed to work and we spent about an hour and a half chatting just like we used to, which was great. Plus I don't think I could ever hate someone who today played a game of thinking up otter song puns with me.

New Clerk: 'This could be Otterdam or anywhere, Liverpool or Rome...''
Me: 'I'm gonna send him to otter space, to fiiiiind another race!'

My head is now de-fucked, which is the main thing. And after tomorrow it's the weekend, which is also the main thing.

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