The start of March
2012-03-07 | 7:12 p.m.

I haven't done a proper entry, about me, in quite a while and unfortunately the main reason for that is I have been distinctively uncheery. I dunno, I feel bad for moaning about things being shit, because looking at them in perspective they're probably not really THAT shit.

A while ago, I think over Christmas, Katie, Reeta and I had a slight (I emphasise slight) chuckle over the work part of our lives. Katie's a secondary English teacher and tired with the prospect of having to deal with abusive children until she's 68. Reeta's a litigation lawyer and (actually I think things are improving for her right now) but she had no work on for ages and spent months sitting twiddling her thumbs and wanted to leave. I loved and love my job as an Old Bailey stenographer yet it's being taken from me and all the other Old Bailey stenographers in less than a month, as I think I've harped on about for the past year or so, since we found out it was now, with certainty, inevitable.

It was bad enough as it was, but my plan was to go into the private sector of steno, which is what Jenn and Hutch do. But since Christmas there has been an enormous dearth of work. They and many others have been having forced days off left right and centre. There isn't space in that sector for the Old Bailey-ites and so unemployment is looking a terrifyingly real possibiity.

Unfortunately I don't know how to do anything else; this was my first "proper" job post-uni. I've had dreams and nightmares - begging for my role back in Argos (my part-time job I did during 6th form and which I quit nearly 10 years ago!), and have experienced lucid dreams and sleep paralysis. I had sleep paralysis two days ago and my main concern was that my phone was in my hand and I wouldn't be able to switch the alarm off as my body was locked, but then the noise of my alarm woke me up out of the paralysis, which is always what would have happened but I just hadn't comprehended it!

Not everything is so bad. I've been looking forward to today for aaaages as it's the Stevenage - Spurs rematch, James and my teams playing, so we arranged to have an evening in watching it and I offered to cook dinner since I'm much less anxious about creating meals for other people these days and find it quite therapeutic, if that doesn't sound too wanky. James is delayed at work, which is why I have a snatched bit of time to write this, but I feel very relaxed at present.

On Saturday I'm going to Cambridge to celebrate Katie's boyfriend's 30th birthday so very much looking forward to that. The following weekend is Natalie's birthday/St Paddy's so that'll be great too. She expressed interest in "meeting the new man" only to be swiftly informed (as I tell you lot for the first time now) that I sadly had to dump him very shortly after we'd been to Hastings together.

He didn't do anything wrong; he was lovely to me. But I learnt quickly from the start of us going out that in my heart of hearts he wasn't, deep down, my type, or what I was looking for in a boyfriend, and I don't want to elaborate on it further than that. I tried to be tactful with him and said all kinds of shit like I "wasn't a settling down type" and didn't want a relationship AT ALL rather than just with him. He thinks I need CBT to change my a

(7.35 Fuck! Stevenage just scored!!!!!)

...ttitude. Charming! I think it's hard to understand that I'm pretty alright with not having someone and that my life is rich in so many other ways. Granted, I'm not doing particularly well right now but that's a work thing and losing the Old Bailey is like losing part of myself. But whilst we'll be gone from there forever, the pain of leaving won't last that long and I've no doubt I'll get through this.

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