strawberrri.diaryland.com
July
2022-07-29 | 8:30 a.m.

I didn't manage a June entry; I close up and withdraw when things aren't going amazingly, even though I'm sure it's much better to talk about things, so to speak. After the half term break at the beginning of June Bear began displaying signs of major anxiety around attending pre-school and has not been in for a full day since, all the way up to the end of term. Unpleasant side effects of this included an unproductive 2-hour meeting with the school, and also Ollie's mum phoning me up to suggest I give up work (my 15-year stenography career, which I love) in order to prioritise Bear's welfare. This did not go down well, I tell you. Anyway, we are now waiting on a Health Visitor referral but I get the distinct impression that waiting might be til the end of time!

From a selfish point of view my life is back to being hard again, and mostly a work/childcare juggle. Work is the far more relaxing of the two. I always feel I should end these sort of sentences with "I know I shouldn't complain" or "I know other people have it harder" which perhaps explains my withdrawal and introversion.

Today we are all going to mum's this afternoon. The intention was to spend an evening with my mum and stepdad. What's happening now is we'll be spending the evening with my mum and then she and I will be going to visit my stepdad in hospital tomorrow morning.

He's been in over two weeks, mostly spent isolated on a covid ward and during that heatwave my heart broke for him so badly. They thought he had covid-induced delirium, but now possibly aggressive cancer, since he was being treated for lymphoma earlier this year. He's having a lumbar puncture today which should shed some light.

My mum told me to think carefully about visiting as his appearance will be a huge shock, but there's no way I couldn't. He's been like another dad to me for the past 23 years. I've spent enough time crying and want to be strong and give comfort to him by knowing we're there, if possible.

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