5th August
2022-08-05 | 8:49 p.m.

Actually started feeling ever so slightly better today, 12 days on from the message I received from my mum, about the doctors thinking Frank's cancer had spread, and the tidal wave of upset and sadness and everything else that followed.

I know grief's not linear (the bastard) but it makes me realise there will be brighter days again one day.

In the meantime I've been acting like a slight crazy person attempting to cope with loss. When I got into my car to drive home from mum's yesterday the radio was on a different channel to what it's always set on (Radio 2 of course) - obviously a message from Frank. When I got home I went into the garden with Leo and found a tiny sunflower seedling growing in our wisteria tree pot - obviously sent by Frank to cheer me up ("I think the birds sent it," Leo informed me matter-of-factly). And feathers, everywhere! Although they definitely came from the deceased wood pigeon on my next door neighbours' garage roof, which is still there now. Yikes!

I also ordered some photos of Frank yesterday and when I was awake in the night I decided to search this diary for any mentions of him over the 20ish years I've had it for. Mega glad I did that as I found this gem from 2004, not about him, but about the time I spilled water on my laptop and its comical malfunctions thereafter:

"For some reason, in addition to the spacebar and Ctrl keys, the C and D letters also decided to break a couple of days ago. Very hard to have messenger conversations with people with no spacebar and no C's or D's. Replacing C with K and S, and D with T didn't work as well as I thought it might and therefore asking Rachel if she was 'going to watsh Sharlie ant the Shosolate Faktory?' caused much grinning to ensue."

I lay in bed and chuckled and chuckled, hoping not to wake anyone up. It was just the tonic I needed.

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